Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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