I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
