if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
