Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
