one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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