It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
