My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
