well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
