life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
