I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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