i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
