Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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