New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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