Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
