i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
