You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
