i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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