she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
