Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
