I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
