That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
