my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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