So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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