The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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