I'm going to jail i love you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
