Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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