Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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