you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
