Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
