How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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