Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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