Can i not drive my cunt home
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
