a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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