Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
