that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
sarcasm needs its own font
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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