Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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