Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
