tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
