Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
