i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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