Umm I'm too high to move.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
