Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
