Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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