Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
