New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
