College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
