I used to practice getting hit by cars.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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