just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
