just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
