4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
