census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
