: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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