Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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