I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
