I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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