you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
