Michael Bay diarrhea
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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