All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
