On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize