The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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