Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
