Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
