my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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