im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
