I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
