Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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