I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
