I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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