I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
