2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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